

Every pelican lays about 200 eggs at a time, and they’ve just been squirting them right down Santa’s sleeping throat all year long. This is why Santa is so plus-sized all the time.

Those days are over for you now. Your youth is gone, and now your only joy comes from giving away gifts to well-behaved children.

Suddenly, you feel a wet flipper jostle you awake.


Also, I just wanted to let you know that my brain is a mushed-up bowl of tapioca, and so I truly believe that the moon is Gods aunt and is therefore more powerful than God. The moon is the most powerful circle in the world.

Goodbye, Santa! Lunar Jake calls to you as you leave. My brain is broken, and so I love to get bossed around by the moon!






That’s enough of the Naughty List for now. If you read it all, you’d be here forever, because most children have disaster souls.

The End.





Hello, Santa, says Mrs. Claus. Were divorced.
Hey there, big man, says Justin. So good to see you! I love your divorced wife. We like to kiss each other during snowstorms.


Well, it looks like Mrs. Claus has made up her mind. Since you’re Santa Claus, you’re very mature about this and respect your divorced wife’s choice to be in love with a man named Justin.

Take it sleazy, big man! says Justin.


You’re on your way! Its time for Santa to slither up and down chimneys like a snake giving gifts to all the good boys and girls of the world.





You place it under L’il Sweet Cindy O’Clares Christmas tree. Hopefully she likes it.


Adam Supermarket remains the only American chimpanzee to ever be eaten by a sitting U.S. president, and this national chain of grocery stores bears his name to honor his heroic life.

Hello, Santa Claus, says the grocery man. Merry Christmas, and welcome to SUPERMARKET.








Is someone laughing in the parking lot? the Night Clown asks.

If you laugh in a parking lot on Christmas Eve,
Night Clowns gonna send you on vacation.
End of poem.



You were warned. Everyone knows that if you laugh in a parking lot on Christmas Eve, the Night Clown finds you and sends you on vacation, but you didn’t listen. Now, you’re on vacation and cant deliver gifts to anybody.
When all the good boys and girls wake up on Christmas Day, they see that they have no presents, and they get so sad that they weep and put their shoes on. Christmas is forever canceled and replaced with a new holiday called Aunts Day, where you let your aunt know how much you love her by bringing her a hollowed-out crab claw filled with wine for her to drink on the train.
The End.


The Night Clown walks toward you with an evil look in his eyes. He reaches out his terrible gnarled hand.

You were warned. Everyone knows that if you laugh in a parking lot on Christmas Eve, the Night Clown finds you and sends you on vacation, but you didn’t listen. Now, you’re on vacation and cant deliver gifts to anybody.
When all the good boys and girls wake up on Christmas Day, they see that they have no presents, and they get so sad that they weep and put their shoes on. Christmas is forever canceled and replaced with a new holiday called Aunts Day, where you let your aunt know how much you love her by bringing her a hollowed-out crab claw filled with wine for her to drink on the train.
The End.

Wow! Thanks, Santa! says the grocery man. You’ve really brightened his day.



Hello, everyone. This is Santa Claus from the Bible. I’m divorced, and my wife is very happy with Justin. I’m looking for bread now.
Everyone in the grocery store applauds politely.



Hello, Santa. My name is Lil Sweet Cindy OClare, and Im the most lovely and number-one sweetest girl of cake. Im the nicest little angel girl in any of the NATO nations. Do you have the picture of bread? Give it to me. I need the photograph of that magnificent loaf.

At last! she screams as she unwraps it. A photograph of bread! Thank you, Santa! Thank you!

Very good.

Your gift pouch also has one plate inside of it for emergencies.


One year, Rudolphs bright nose attracted so many moths that you couldnt see anything at all, and you crashed your flying sled into St. Microsofts Orphanage for Extremely Flammable Children. There were no survivors.
Needless to say, the Supreme Court ordered you to eat Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer live
Read more: http://www.clickhole.com/clickventure/youre-santa-can-you-master-sleigh-and-deliver-gift-3631