Before I get started with this recap, Id just like to address the commenter from last week who called me out for liking Kyle, to which I say: I have a weakness for guys I perceive to be gingers who look like J.Crew models. Fucking sue me.
Anywho, Im back from a vacation and ready to take on this shit show, no holds barred. Thats right, no mercy from this betch. Oh, you’ve never heard of a small beach town across the country from you? Too fucking bad, I will roast your entire bloodline.
Oh thank God, theyre finally changing the dresses at SUR. And the big change is to … a black H&M dress (note the Dividend tag). Yeah I can see why that decision was years in the makingreally big stuff happening over here at SUR.
Katie and Tom didnt talk to each other all vacation because absence makes thhe heart grow fonder, or as everyone watching would put it, we shouldnt be married.
As much as I hate Katie, her choker game is on point. Shirt game, not so much. Is that a flannel with a studded pocket? Yes, yes it is.
Oh boy, Kristen is doing a sketch comedy show. Is she going to talk about her future career in business? Because Id go see that. Shit would be hilarious.
Brittanys mom is visiting. Bless this poor womans heart. I dont see how shell make it out of this trip alive. Also like, why is Stassi friends with all thepeople, and why hasn’t she introduced Brittany to them yet? That is a crossover episode I would watch the shit out of.
Lala goes up to Ariana and Tom at work and is basically like I love you guys but I hate your friends.
Im with Sandoval; Lala should have told them right away she wasnt going to come. Or at least, you know, fucking told them at all.
Lala: Im not surrounding myself with people who dont bring out the best in me.
^Probably also has a “Live, Laugh Love” poster.
Toms like I dont need people in my life that are going to fuck me over, once again hijacking Arianas thing. But he was sticking up for his girl so Ill let it slide.
OK Kristen is like, not terrible at comedy. Arianas not at the show because as we all know, Ariana is a Very Serious Sketch Comedian.
So the whole premise of this show is that there’s a fake app that turns unwanted dick picks into well-known works of artsomeone needs to make this happen. Much to everyone’s extreme embarrassment, they ended up using a photo of Jax’s dick for one of the pictures. Everyone notices. Even people who haven’t fucked him. How??
Apparently Jax “Jaxed” some psycho a while back and she responded by tweeting out his dick pick. Oh wow thats pretty fucked up that Jax was the victim of revenge porn. Even if Jax is a piece of shit, nobody deserves that, male or female. #Feminism
Jax: I mean my penis is what they model dildos after
And he just lost my sympathies. That was fun while it lasted.
Stassis like, Im impressed you can pick your boyfriends dick out of a lineup. Try not having sex with your eyes closed, maybe that will help? However I would like a gif of all of Stassis penis impersonations. Is the old Stassi back??
Brittany calls Kristen over to call her out for using her bfs penis. +1 for Brittany,
growing some balls standing up for herself.
Kristen: Have you ever tried to Google a dick pick? Do you realize how hard it is to actually find one?
Have ?? Did you turn off your safe search settings? Also if you needed some dick picks on short notice, you could have signed up for Tinder for like, .2 seconds. I need to be like, these people’s life consultant. Or internet consultant. SOMETHING.
Katie has given Lisa a bunch of pink and purple swatches for her dining room, and understandably Lisa is like, fuck no.
Katie: Lisas very particular, I wouldnt expect that from someone who owns multiple restaurants and lives in a castle with a moat.
I think that’s exactly what I’d expect from someone who owns multiple restaurants and lives in a castle with a moat.
Katies explaining DickGate to Lisa. Lisas trying not to commit suicide (same).
Brittany and Jax are talking about the situation and shes like Jax knows Im not stupid. Phew, well thats a relief.
Katie claims she never got dick picks from Jax and Im gonna call bullshit right here.
Stassi and Kristen show up to Brittany and Jaxs so they can listen to the podcast.
Jax is like WTF Kristen and Kristens like, It was a last-minute choice. How does that make it ok? Not sure which would have been worse: pre-meditatively (is that a word??) using Jax’s dick pick, or resorting to using it because she was in a bind. Between this dick pick fiasco and Kristen not knowing what Montauk is, I’m gonna go ahead and say she’s never used the internet before.
Jax has fucked every girl in this room aka this is an Eskimo family reunion.
Then this devolves into a meeting of the I Hate Lala Club (what doesn’t these days) and Kristens trying to get James to turn on Lala. Stassi is uncharacteristically quiet through all this; this isnt the Stassi I know.
Stassi calls Lala “a certified skank” and is going to pump James for proof, essentially. For the record, I got my skank certification back in ’09 and let me tell you, it was a complicated process with many rounds of rigorous testing. Not for the faint of heart.
Lala visits James. I think I have that gray dress she’s wearing. Not sure if I should burn it or ?
James: I was the guy that used to drink a lot and yell, but nowadays the only thing I scream for is ice cream.
Are you high?
Lala is giving James shit for being an UGH. On the one hand, I can empathize. On the other hand, stop fucking with the dudes sobriety. He clearly has a problem. The theme of this show: high-functioning alcoholics who have no idea how addiction works.
Lala explains Arianas birthday situation and is basically like yeah I just decided at the absolute last possible minute I didnt wanna go so I just didn’t and casually drops that she was at a suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel when she made this decision. Even James knows her bf is a sugar daddy and her mom’s not paying for suites at the Beverly Hills hotel.
James: So if you were really alone why didnt you invite me to come chill?
Lala: Wanna do something fun? Wanna go to Malibu?
This is Deflection 101, and Lala just failed.
Lala thinks being on a private jet is an LA rite of passage. I’m gonna go with …
Oh man, Kristen and Stassi invited James to a restaurant to interrogate him. Kristens ultimate goal is to fuck Lala over and Im really not sure why she cares so much. Can anyone tell me?
Kristen to James:Lala said everyone hates you because youre such a slut.
James:And that was how I survived my first three-way call attack. Except not really because he spilled all the dirt in .3 seconds. Like, they didn’t even have to say “please.” These bros ain’t loyal.
James said he had to sign a Nondisclosure Agreement to go to Coachella with Lala. Holy shit. I also feel like showing people a copy your NDA probably violates your NDA but what do I know, all my legal knowledge comes from .
Stassis like this actually has been great fun when James leaves. I think old Stassi will be making a comeback slowly but surely. THANK YOU.
Brittanys mom shows up to Britts apartment and she is honestly so cute. She kind of looks like a Real Housewife of New Jersey but with a Southern accent. I mean, that silver lipstick. Those hoops. Gold hoops are thing!
Brittanys mom: Did yall ever start going to a church?
Jax: A what?
Brittanys mom goes to a Pentecostal church and is encouraging Jax to go with her. OK to be fair Im not Christian but isnt that the one where they speak in tongues? Not sure thats the best intro to church.Edit:Because I am Kristen and I can use Google, I looked it up and I was right. Suck on that. Ayayayay!
It’s time for Katie’s bridal shower already, and Kristen is basically Katie’s
bitch personal assistant. She says it’s because Katie’s wedding is “so important” to her, but really it’s because she’ll do whatever it takes for these girls not to hate her again.
Katie’s bridal shower has a Taco Bell tower. I would make fun of it, but honestly, Chick Fil-A is probably going to cater my wedding, so. Respect.
Am I the only one who thinks its kind of random that Brittany’s mom is going to Katies bridal shower? Like, have they even met before?
Brittanys mom to Jax, basically: Im going to kill your entire family if you waste Brittanys time by taking her out of Kentucky and moving her out to LA and then not even marrying her.
Jax: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
Stassi thinks Ariana is milking her groomsman status by showing up to her bridal shower. To which my general response is:
Stassi: Katie wanted you here 0% and now youre here 100%.
I mean how can you metaphysically be somewhere only 50%?
Mrs. Bubba – sounds like a biker gang nickname
Katie shows up to her own bridal party looking like a Snapchat filter/the entire female population of Coachella 2017.
Meanwhile the guys celebrate by going to an actual Mexican restaurant where they rehash the same shit we’ve been dealing with all season.
Jax: Brittanys mom is pressuring me about marriage and kids
All the guys:
Lisa is like Oh Brittany I would love to meet your mom so I can give her a psych eval on the low because she’s allowing you to date Jax.”
Lisa: She wants Brittany to marry Jax? Has she met Jax?
Good question honestly, but wow Lisa has no chill. Like, it’s one thing for us all to think that/write it in a show recap thousands of people read; it’s another thing to say it to her mom’s face. And then tell her Jax should get out of jail first and call him a bad dog. Honestly I want to hire Lisa Vanderpump to be my shit-talking translator, basically like Obama’s anger translator, Luther, but British and with more shade.
Brittany: If he breaks my heart Ill break his dick.
Lisas impression of a Southern accent is everything. Right up there with Stassis dick impression. Y’all are on point this episode.
Teri, Katie’s mom, is giving basically the opposite of a roast to all the guests. Aka going around the room and saying nice things about everyone. Wake me up when this is over.
Stassi, you can join me on team Forever Alone. Or as I like to call it, Team Dead Inside. You are welcome at anytime. Our doors are always open even when our hearts are not.
Holy shit, the flowers budget alone is $15,000? Reason #242593 I’m never getting married.
Schwartz: See Ive learned the key to a happy relationship is to never disagree with my fiance if I want to keep my dick.
Stassi, Scheana, and Katie confront and Ariana about the Coachella NDA at the bridal party. Seems like an inappropriate time.
Stassi: So like did you sign an NDA to be able to party with Lala at Coachella?
Stassi: Arianas displaying the telltale signs of lying which is denying the thing Im accusing her of.
Ariana, you are not going to win this fight unless you go with the hive mind. Have you not learned?
Somehow this gets turned into the Kristen and Ariana show, wherein we try to pretend that Kristen threatening Ariana with bodily harm and fucking Toms best friend twice is the same as Ariana making out with Tom one time (allegedly). And these situations are somehow analogous to Lala saying she wanted to fuck Schwartz. Honestly I got like 3 hours of sleep last night and just took some Adderall so I’m really not in the right head space to attempt to make sense of this reasoning. I’m just gonna leave it here for y’all.
Ariana: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
Stassi and Scheana are trying to justify this (I think??) by saying that they all get in fights with their friends at some point and Ariana is like I actually never get in fights with my friends and Stassi is like fuck this, Im out. Thus abruptly ends this episode.