The booziest bachelorette shunned the seemingly genuine Robby for the hotter Jordan because, well, thats how this crazy little thing called reality-TV love works. “>
There is a critical point in every season of The Bachelorette where we get a real look into our stars soul and know who shes going to pick in the end. Sure, in Season 12perhaps the broiest one to date (a word cloud of the show transcripts would undeniably prominently feature bro, meat, and butthurt)JoJo gave ex-footballer Jordan Rodgers, 27-year-old little brother of Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, the first impression rose. She kissed him first, too. But it was really Episode Six which cemented the fact that despite the producers best attempt at manufacturing drama, Jordan was going to win it all.
It was in that episode, moments before the brutal dumping of radio DJ Wells, that JoJo clued us into what she was really looking for. I want my unicorn, JoJo told sweet, doomed, Wells. I want my fairy-tale love to exist, she went on, cringing at the idea of coupling with someone who doesnt give you love goosepimples and butterflies and so many sparks forever and ever until you both die Titanic-style clutching one another, whispering Youre so hot as ocean water fills your lungs.
And so no one (on Twitter at least) was surprised when JoJo picked Jordan over safe choice Robby Hayes in tonights finale and put an end to another chest-bumping nightmare.
Shes the love of my lifeShes the person I want to do it with. And do life with, Jordan explained on After The Final Rose.
Robby and Jordan were strikingly similar: They are both sweaty former competitive athletes with no discernible current occupation rocking the same shave-and-swoop Bachelor-approved haircut and a fierce love of deep V-neck shirts.
The major difference between the two was that Robby seemed to really like her. And who wants that?
There is a formula to The Bachelorette finale. Family visits and final dates, with producer misdirection and some last-minute handwringing lead up to the callous goodbye were all waiting for. And JoJo, who may very well be the worst at breaking up with someone ever, did not disappoint.
First both men visited with JoJo and her family in her Phuket suite.
Jordan was up first. Wearing his best jersey knit, he came bearing a bag of hats and insisted everyone wear them so he could laugh at them. Cradling a sensible flute of wineinstead of drinking straight from the bottle like she did last seasonJoJos mother gives Jordan side-eye and demands he Give me your word that you will never break my daughter’s heart.
Absolutely not, he answers.
No such demand was made of Robby, who came with flowers instead of stupid hats, and tripped over himself professing his love for the woman he had met eight weeks prior.
Robby told JoJos doctor parents that he loved her more than he could express and said hell always protect her, then he asked for her hand in marriage and they said sure that would be cool.
JoJos brothers, who made a name for themselves by telling former Bachelor Ben that he was full of shit last season, disappointed a nation by keeping their cool and reported no red flags from either dude. The family found Robby to be more husband material, but Jordan is phenomenal.
So both dates are finebut no, actually all is terrible because Jordan forgot or chickened out or sensibly decided not to antiquatedly ask a man for his grown woman daughters hand in marriage. Jordan did not follow the rules and JoJo is going to find out why.
But first Robby gets his date.
They went swimming and shared a picnic on the beach where they talked about their future. Robby then shared his fantasy for life with JoJo.
He described sitting on the most comfortable living room sofa waiting for dinner, a meatloaf strangely paired with Sauvignon Blanc. Theyre so engaged in conversation on their comfy West Elm couch, listening to their children play in the distance, that they burn the meatloaf and have to order pizza. But they wouldnt care because they are wine-drunk on a Thursday and the God Bless This Mess sign over their entryway isnt just a tchotchke, its a way of life, right? JoJos eyes glazed as she realized Robby would never be her unicorn. JoJo doesnt want meatloaf and a comfy couch, dammitshe wants hot Jordan.
So on Jordans date, JoJo got straight to the point, confronting the failed footballer over why he didnt ask daddy for her hand. The problem was, he explained, he didnt know if she wanted to marry him.
She told him she doubted if he was really ready for marriage. Im so much more than ready, he said, before diving into another Trumpian explanation for why he didnt ask. Bottom line: He didnt know whether he could get down on one knee without knowing how she felt.
This is, of course, a completely reasonable point of view. Before asking someone to get married, it is generally a good thing to know what the answer will bebut this is not life, this is The Bachelorette, and there are rules, rules that Jordan is ignoring.
This is not a problem for JoJo, a woman whom her own mother calls a princess, for JoJo knows how to get a proposal. Its the way women have been doing it for centuries: unsubtle pressure! She pouts so hard. She says she is bummed out and upset and not mad, OK? Just really disappointed.
Her genius plan worked, and a guilty Jordan promises hell propose.
Going into the final rose, Robby and Jordan pick out ridiculous Neil Lane diamond rings and begin the hours-long process of swooping that hair to prepare for the ocean breeze.
Robbys out of the limo first, and as former Bachelor Sean Lowe astutely observed, If the sun isnt setting when you get out of the limo, youre screwed.
It couldnt have been past noon, and yet Robbys complete lack of doubt was staggering.
My future longs for you. My heart yearns for you, Robby said. But before he could bend a knee, benevolent JoJo stopped him. She cant let him do this, she said. I see, Robby replied.
I want it to be you, JoJo said, seemingly unaware that shes in charge of which proposal she accepts. And then the woman who has ugly-cried at every single send-off predictably sobbed at Robby, took his arm, and walked him to the getaway vehicle, telling him quite unhelpfully along the way that she loves him before sending him off as the limo filled with his tears.
JoJo is so upset. But then shes not anymore, because the only thing that can get her through the breakup with her boyfriend is her other, hotter, less available boyfriend.
Jordan arrived, and hes so attractive but also perhaps not very smart. Calling JoJo his best friend and soulmate, Jordan goes on: You made me believe that love doesnt need to have scripts, he said, inviting everyone to suspend disbelief that the ABC franchise is not a heavily produced reality television show.
In the end, Jordan did get that knee down and JoJothe woman who guilted him into itscreamed, I cant believe you!