All The Things I’m Bringing To Burning Man Because I’m Actually Terrified

Everyone Ive told Im going to Burning Man and that is not an exaggeration, EVERYONE has reacted with sheer disbelief.

You know its really intense, right?

They question.

You know youre, like, in the middle of the desert and everyone around you is naked and on wild drugs, right?

They speculate.

Then they turn to my co-worker, Sepp, whos unfortunately fated to chaperone accompany me.

My favorite reaction Sepps gotten for having me as a Burning Man counterpart is:

Wow, thats actually a huge responsibility on you.

(Weve already assumed the Burning Man dynamic will be akin to Sepp pulling me on a golden chariot so my feet never touch the ground.)

Suffice it to say, if I werent scared shitless before, I definitely am now that every person I know has strongly suggested my survival is unlikely(besides my mom, surprisingly, who says she regrets not going to Woodstock and her only concern is someone slipping me a pot brownie I dont think shes done her research).

Sepps been doing his best to prepare me, and I read an Excel spreadsheet breakdown of packing essentials. The list is mostly things youd expect, like Band-Aids, hand sanitizer and toothbrush optional.

Obviously, I understand this will not be a glamping excursion, but the toothbrush optional is where I draw the line.

This will probably be the grungiest eight days of my life. But until I have accepted that fact way too late, when my dust goggles are coated in dirt and broken because why wouldnt they be? my future hygiene is still dominating my concerns.

In a last-ditch effortto ward off all the filth and grime I can while camped out in the middle the Nevada desert, Ive curated my own Burning Man necessitiesand broken them up into four Essential Pillars.

Burning Man Survival Essentials

otherwise known as Things To Stave Off My Bodys Inevitable Disintegration.

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