‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Murder & Blowouts

Stassi seventh wheeling amongst all her friends is literally my life. WELCOME. IT SUCKS.

Katie failing to open a Corona is also hungover me af.

Hey Katie, if Stassi of all fucking people says that shes scared of you when you drink, you need help.

OMG A PATRICK SIGHTING. It only took 3 years and 67 breakups.

Stassis Tinder bio would say I love getting blowouts and spray tans and my exercise is shopping online. However, Stassi and I could hang because I too am into murder.

Murder & Blowoutsmy band name.

Brittanys eating Cheetos and Pringles first thing in the morning. Same, girl.

Jax cant even put together IKEA furniture, dont criticize Brittanys folding technique. STFU.

This RV vacation sounds fucking horrible. As much as I hate Long Island, Ill take that shit any day.

Brittany is showering with used water bottles aka me at Bonnaroo. Gotta rock the inside-out French braids, girl. Thats the secret.

Kristen doesnt know what WASP-y means and also doesnt know what bougie means because she thinks it’s a good thing. This is what happens when white people co-opt phrases they didnt invent. See also: Basic Bitch.

Kristen also thinks a crawfish boil is a luau. Where the fuck did she grow up? The woods??

Scheana doesnt like clams because eating with her fingers is not her thing. Im over this bitch. They could be like and Scheana would be like The Notebook LaLa Land

I just realized Scheana is a literal human form of Debbie Downer.

Ill pretend I know who Austin Dillon is. And Sandoval is getting his flat iron signed. Is he straight? Unclear. This could be why he and Ariana dont have sex. I might be onto something.

Schwartz calls a huddle to make sure the girls are willing to flash a bouncer to get backstage. Get you a girl who can do both.

Scheana and Kristen are debating what to wear to this clam bake, as if Google doesn’t exist. Fucking look it up if you dont know what the attire is. Are you two actually brain dead?

Lisa pulls the ultimate rookie mistake by talking shit about Stassi while Katie has her on speakerphone. True pro Lisa doesnt even GAF though. Kween.

Stassis like she didnt even wish me happy birthday. On MY fucking birthday! *eye roll*

Kristen being the only one in a black dress is v relatable. God damn it, why am I relating to these people?

Im down with the plug. You best believe Im writing that recap.

OK Im low-key here for the hot ginger. Whats his name? Is having a premier party? Bravo, @ me.

Scheana says Monday is her favorite day of the week. Holy fuck bitch, how do you have any friends? I cant believe I ever liked you.

Is Scheana honestly going to sit at the table without eating anything. And be annoying af about it.

Yeah Im with Stassi, Scheana is being hella rude. Aaaaaand brb gonna take a quick nap during this NASCAR scene.

Hahahaha their one single toilet is clogged. Welp, I fucked up by eating during this show. Also why the fuck do they have a song about saving poop? Why does Ariana know the song? Just, WHY?!

Shouts out to Arianas eyebrows which are still looking fly as hell even through all the dirt and grime. Game recognize game.

Stassi said its my birthday. Drink.

Did Carl really ask Stassi if the carpet matches the drapes? Is he 7?

OMG I NEED A GIF OF STASSIS TEARS ROLLING DOWN HER FACE. Omg. New LC mascara tear.

Hahahah Stassi thinks that Katie could have gone to grad school and gotten a PhD. Maybe in Tequila Drinking, sure.

Im low-key a little salty over here that Stassi is going for my main man Kyle, but I have to respect it I guess. Im also salty that Prosper from AYTO never matched me on Bumble, but uh, whos keeping track.

Bless Brittanys heart, acting like charcuterie is an elite French vocabulary word.

How much abuse is Brittany going to take from this asshole tho.

Jax: I dont need relationship advice.

Me/the entire viewing audience of Vanderpump Rules:

Jax: One of the things I loved about Brittany is she was totally clueless because she was from nowhere-ass Kentucky and I dont like that since she moved to LA she grew a backbone and has started standing up for herself.

Lala didnt go on this trip and meanwhile unfollowed Ariana on Instagram and Twitter. This is beyond petty. Thats just childish. Why areunfriendingwhen you’re the one who fucked up?

Peters bullshit tolerance for Lala is at negative when he talks to her. I kind of love it. And I am still not used to his clean-shaven face.

So Lala just dipped on the trip because she didnt want to hang out with Jax. But Lalas strategy for dispelling the married boyfriend rumors is to just chuck out a bunch of different rumors and lie that shes dating various guys? Good plan. I literally dont understand how Lala’s mind works. Just tell the truth, everyone will get off your back. Either that or you just make up one lie and stick to it, are you fucking dumb?

Lalas trying to quit and Lisas like grow the fuck up. Youre not quitting. LMAO.

Lala hasnt had a functioning relationship since she was 17 why am I not shocked. *cough* daddy issues *cough*

I will watch just for Kyle. The recaps will be my love letters to him. Kidding not kidding.

I would love to see Kristen try to get a job in business.

Boom, roasted by omission, Katie & Kristen because youre not one of Lauren and Ashleys aforementioned hot friends.

Arianas trying to explain gender roles and misogyny to Brittany. SHE LITERALLY THINKS MISOGYNISTIC MEANS JAX GIVES HER MASSAGES.

Then again, understanding the definition of misogyny was probably a tall order for someone who doesnt know what Malbec or a charcuterie board is.

Honestly I wonder if Brittany just doesnt stand up for herself to Jax because she cant articulate the words? I worry for her. Stay in school, kids.

Jax says his attitude is just a part of life.

Oh, Jax is like a textbook narcissist.

Brittany: I dont feel appreciated.

Jax: I dont feel appreciated. Sometimes I want a turkey sandwich and I get ham.

I think were watching emotional abuse in action and actually this has actually stopped being funny.

In Jaxs mind, not having a turkey sandwich sometimes is an equal offense to holding finances over someones head forever. This is what gaslighting and manipulation look like, in case you guys were wondering.

I didnt realize they intentionally leave an extra glass out for Tequila Katie when theyre drinking. (1) WTF, she’s not Elijah (2) Why would you leave out extra alcohol for someone who you all think/acknowledge has a drinking problem?

Scheana: I hate girls trips

Really? We couldnt tell.

Wait is Kyle blond? IDK I would consider him more of a strawberry blond.

Kyle forgot Stassis name. Youre done, bro. And he said her turtleneck reminds him of Steve Jobs. I’ll start writing your tombstone now.

Kyles way for standing up for himself is to say it could be worse. And Stassi is like yeah it could be worse, you could be a serial killer. And shes also done because she brought up murder.

Lauren and Ashley: Kyles so smart

Kyle: *drunk eating Cheetos*

Love that the other guy had to be the Frat Bro Translator and explain the turtleneck joke.

Kyle’s described as a Ken doll doing tai chi under water – I cannot wait for .

Stassi calls Kyle a douche while Kristen shrugs and takes some more wine to the face. Ditto.

Hold on, did Bravo just trick me into watching the premier of rn?

Douche: Unlike those LA chicks, we have real jobs.

I mean, hes not wrong.

Ok wait. I guess this is the premier? Looks like Im doing a twofer recap? God damn, two hours of Bravo recaps. I dont know if my brain cells will make it through. >>CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE TO OUR FIRST-EVER RECAP!

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